Cha Cha Cha!

I'm posting again and probably not regularly. In fact, I guarantee that this is a once in a 4 month thing. This is probably annoying but I think this is the way that it's going to be for my blog. I have a lot of stuff going on right now and I like taking any chance that I have to hang out with friends.

Tonight, for instance, I went to my second class in ballroom dancing, today we reviewed the fox trot and the jive basics and went on to learn the basics of rumba, cha cha, and one other one that I can't remember the name of right now. I went with a friend and ended up bringing a co-worker along too. It's nice to go to these classes with at least one guy friend because when the class is over, we have the chance to stay and practice. Being able to practice with someone you know seems to be less stressful to me. Otherwise, we always switch partners during class, even the couples have to split. That's the way we met another guy in the class. Coincidentally, both my friend and I and have a little temp crush on him but I think I should probably stop thinking about guys period.

I broke up with the boyfriend of three years. I wrote the last post when everything was still really raw and painful. My spontaneous crying spells are over though! Which is awesome. :) It was really hard to come to terms with but I think that now I'm doing fine. It just wasn't right and the reason why I was so unhappy was because I knew this the whole time but only came to terms with it this year. I was pretty much denying the fact that we weren't going to work out for the entire span of the relationship and it was only when the initial honeymoon spell fell away that I realized the truth. We ended on as good of terms as we could and I am slowly learning to get back in the game. It's harder than I thought! I have this "don't fuck with me" look about me that scares the guys away. This is a fact, my friends have confirmed this. I find it funny and rather ironic.

Oh well, such is my life, my approach to guys is this: if you're super good looking, I will have to try harder to get your attentions and it's probably not going to work despite the fact that I'm really attracted. In the case of the dance class, the guy we both like is probably going to like my friend more since she is in the same college as he is. So there, case closed, I'm going to be a nun!! :)

Until next time...I'll keep dancing.

What to Write?

You know when you get to a point in your life when you realize that you may have outgrown someone very close to you in your life? I'm scared that that's what has happened with me and my boyfriend of three years. We met when we both had relatively little responsibilities. I was in my third year and wasn't taking my education seriously. He was unemployed and on unemployment and not worried about finding a job. Now, I'm back in school, trying to figure out what it is I want to do with the rest of my life and he is working at a job that he isn't enjoying. It's a job he says. I know he can do better. But my opinion sounds to him like nothing is ever enough for me. And that's not the problem. The problem is that I can't see myself staying with him if he won't show me that he can contribute stability to the relationship.

My friends tell me that there is a chance. That they think it can still work out. I'm almost too afraid to hope for that. I feel like I will be let down even harder if I let myself believe that. I love him so much. It really hurts to think that I won't be with him forever like we thought we would be. It seems foreign and yet, at the same time, I seem to be getting more used to that. I no longer cry as much. Though, it still comes out sometimes. This is incredibly hard. I never thought it would hurt like this, but then again, I didn't think it would come at all. Which, it should have because there were signs, but like my friend said, who will turn away from bliss?

I want to be with him so much, but I can't be the one who makes all of his life decisions. He has to do that for himself. I'm just worried that he will find someone who, like him, will think that marriage solves problems. Then, I can see him marrying, having a kid, and not being happy with his life because he will be stuck at his job, never having a chance to develop his life because he has a family to worry about. I care about him so much and he is so smart, I really don't want to see that happen to him.

But, then again, another lesson I'm learning is that I have no control over that. I don't have any control over whether he loves me or not, I don't have any control over our relationship. The only thing that I can work on is myself and the way I feel about myself. More and more I am realizing that I can live through whatever happens. Even if it means that we have to break up. There are plenty more tears to cry but they are not as bad as they were last week. Things will get better. For both of us I hope. For me for sure.

I see that it was not all my fault that the relationship happened the way it did. We are on a month break now. I will see him again sometime next May. Which is so hard and yet so much better at the same time. I do not deserve to feel the way I did. I do deserve to love myself and take care of myself. I do deserve stability. Even if it means leaving the one I love so MUCH behind. He needs to discover all of this for himself too.

God it's scary to talk about this in past tense, but I really don't see a solution right now. Then again, I didn't see this happening between us either so who knows what will happen. Until then, i nurse myself and my wounds and I hope that he is working on himself too.

I love you.

DIG - Incubus

we all have a weakness
some of ours are easy to identify
look me in the eye
and ask for forgiveness
we'll make a pact to never speak that word again
yes you are my friend

we all have something that digs at us
at least we dig each other

so when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

if I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me
sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone

we all have a sickness
that cleverly attaches and multiplies
no matter how we try
we all have someone that digs at us
at least we dig each other

so when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine

if I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me
sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone

oh each other
when everything else is gone

If i turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me
sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone

oh each other
when everything else is gone

oh each other
when everything else is gone


You ever get the feeling that a song was written just for you? I really wish that this song applied to me more. My problem is that there isn't anyone to do the digging for me, I have to do it myself but I know I won't be the first to do this and certainly not the last...

Damn You Kenneth Cole

Damn you Kenneth Cole for making such beautiful boots and damn you endless.com for starting your site and then not shipping to Canada, damn you trucking company that I work for for not paying me more so I can afford the shoes even when on sale, and finally, damn you government loans for not loaning me more money so I can buy these boots.

It makes my heart ache. DAMN YOU ALL!!!!!!

Material? Perhaps, but tell me how you feel after you've seen these lovelies...

Damn the consumerist Western culture!!!!